Am I ?

I am completely emotionally worn out right now. I am just about to dump it all on you. I had a doctors appointment this morning to check on our ( extremely early) pregnancy. Have you ever tried to get pregnant? I mean really tried? Was it hard? Was it easy?

You would think with 5 kids that it is easy for us. Well, there you would be wrong. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). My cycles are for lack of a better term.. all jacked up. I ovulate on a hit or miss basis. I am a mess. Really. I have lost at least 2 pregnancies very early. A little over a year ago after 8 months of trying to get pregnant we suffered our third loss with a molar pregnancy. It was a huge ordeal. It requires surgery. We had to wait an entire year to try again because when you have a molar pregnancy there is a risk for cancer. yes. cancer. from a pregnancy. I had no idea. Who knows this sort of thing?

After our year of  monthly cancer tests we got the all clear this June to get pregnant. So we have been trying. Last month we had success and then..failure.. I miscarried again…and then this month…another positive! But here is the deal. I got my positive test a mere 5 days after ovulation was indicated. A full 11 days before my period is actually due. Is that even possible?

I made an appointment with our OB, Dr.G. Let’s just say we stumped her a little. She was wondering…did I not actually miscarry and was I still pregnant from Sept.?…no I had ovulated in Oct….as crazy as it seems we even wondered for a second if I got pregnant twice at two different times…it was about this time that I am pretty sure my blood pressure went up a bit…there was no way we could have had a positive pregnancy test that soon after ovulation..right?

In comes the ultrasound machine. Dr.G murmuring information as she inputs it into the computer…she says name…birth date..LMP- who the hell really knows? nervous laugh..Then the words..it looks cystic…I covered my face with my hands…Dr. G said she was worried about another mole…I got cold…the room started to spin…”oh God, please not this again”…

She sent us down the hall a second more sophisticated ultrasound…the only cyst was on my ovary…healthy uterine lining…Praise God! and a “speck” that “could be a very early pregnancy”….or not…it’s just not real clear…but I could breath again. I could have kissed that sweet girl who did the ultrasound. No mole! We are safe. For now.

I had blood drawn to check on my Beta levels, and on my progesterone. We will get the results tomorrow. We are praying they look good. We will retest again on Friday to see how things are progressing.

So why am I telling you all of this? I need your prayer, scratch that our family needs your prayer. Yes, we already told our kids. They are receptive little beings and they already had the feeling something was up. They know when we are stressed. In the next few days there will be multiple trips back and forth to Dr. G. and I am not much on going to the doctor so they will be worried why all of the sudden I have to go so much. I would rather have them know the truth than to make up something in their own head and worry about that. Please just pray for peace to wash over us. No matter what the outcome. God’s will will be done in this and we trust He knows what is best for us. It may be painful. It may be joyous.