My Molar Pregnancy

Today was my monthly cancer screening. 4 down 8 to go…
I should know the results tomorrow at 12 or Monday at the latest.
I guess I should give some background:
Most of my friends all know this but to those of you who don’t- in June we lost our precious baby #6. It still seems so surreal.
I have PCOS, which makes it hard for us to conceive (believe it or not). We had been trying for 8 months the last of which we had used the fertility drug clomid. Everything seemed to be fine. I was nauseous and even within weeks already starting to show. We had started making plans around our new baby. Picking out names. Even buying a large bus (yes bus) that had room for our entire family.
But then I started to bleed at 10 weeks and 4 days. I immediately knew that there was something wrong. I never had any with any of the others. Deep down I knew there was a problem. I called Brian (who was working) and told him he needed to take me to the hospital. He rushed home and we went to the ER. They did blood tests and an ultrasound. The ultrasonographer seemed a little concerned- even getting up to check if my blood tests had come back yet (they had not). And of course she can’t tell us anything. Back in my cubicle, the doctor comes in says “the blood tests look normal and we see a 6 week fetal pole but no heartbeat, but at 6 weeks that would be OK”. My heart sank, I knew how far I was and weeks was too much of a difference. I knew I would be losing my baby. They told me to go home (this is Friday afternoon) and stay on bed rest and go back to my regular doctor on Monday. On Saturday around 3 it was obvious what was happening. I remember falling to my knees in the bathroom from crying so hard. Brian took “it” away. Not knowing what to do with it, he wrapped it up and put it in the freezer. It didn’t seem right to throw it away like garbage. As it turns out, it was a blessing that we kept it. The doctor needed to see it because the ultrasonographer had made a note that she suspected a molar pregnancy, unbeknownst to us.
As it tuns out, I had what is called a molar pregnancy. I had to have surgery that day to remove every last bit of the “contents” of what was left. If they leave anything behind their is the chance for it to start to grow and cause a uterine cancer called choriocarcinoma. First I am losing my baby, then I am having surgery within the hour and have to worry about having cancer! That was too much for me to process. I literally walked next door to the hospital and into prepping for surgery. By the time I was prepped they were already calling for me in the ER.
I had never been put to sleep before. In fact the only time I had really been in the hospital was for births 2-5, I was terrified. I was thinking the worst. What if something happens to me? Who will take care of my children? I can’t leave them. What will Brian do without me? I am talking irrational fear here. Totally beside myself.
So I am in the pre-op area and I know the anesthesiologist thinks I am a crazy woman because I do not want to be fully put to sleep. He said, “no you really don’t want to be awake for this”. I said OK… and then I am thinking if I trust this guy, why I am not trusting this to God!?!
I started to talk to God, I just told Him that I couldn’t handle this on my own. I needed Him to be there with me and just to take it (the fear) from me.

“And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness” 2 Cor. 12:9

No more worry. I immediately felt at peace. Before I was wheeled away to the O.R. ,I knew I would be fine. I felt God’s presence with me in a physical sense. But I also had the revelation that God has a plan for my children and that He would make sure they were taken care of whether I am here or not. They belong to Him and not to me, just as I belong to Him.
“For ye are bought with a price:therefore glorify God in your body, and your spirit, which are God’s” 1 Cor 6:20
And I know that even though my arms will forever in this world ache to hold my child, he is in God’s care and I will one day meet him face to face.